Monday, April 19, 2010

Hello, Stranger!

It's been a while. 5 months, you say? Well, a lot has happened since we last saw each other. I mean, when we last met in this space, I thought Tiger's biggest concerns were his injuries from the car accident. Little did we know that he was so inspired by Amy Adams' performance in "Julie and Julia" that he decided to spend a year of his life cooking his way through Magic Johnson's pre-1991 cook book.

And that horrible joke, my friends, is the only thing I am ever going to say about the Tiger Woods scandal. Why? Because now that Billy Payne and Jim Nantz have told the world how we are supposed to feel about Tiger, the issue is settled, right? Once upon a time (i.e. about 8 days ago), I was a Nantz fan. In fact, I was even willing to conveniently ignore the fact that he was still allowed to announce the Final Four despite the fact that he is no better than CBS' fifth best college play-by-play guy. However, after his self righteous attack on Tiger over the entire Masters weekend and on Simmons' podcast last Monday (not to mention his nauseating false modesty on that same podcast), I'm no longer willing to give him a pass. If I was motivated and knew how to publish a website, I would have already started an online campaign to have Gus Johnson do next year's Final Four and the voice of the late Earl Woods do the '11 Masters. I know. I know. CBS would never let Gus do the Final Four. Thanks to the magic of Phil Knight, however, that is the only problem with my plan.

Okay, that's enough of that. Frankly, that's enough from me right now. I just wanted to take the opportunity to let you know I'm back, and I haven't forgotten about you. There should be plenty to come in the weeks and months ahead as the NBA Playoffs unfold, Jack Bauer puts in his final hours, Crosby and Ovechkin fight for the Stanley Cup, and "American Idol" and "Dancing With the Stars" move closer to crowning their champions. I'm just kidding. I don't watch hockey.