Saturday, September 08, 2007

Saturday Night Lights

Let me tell you how good it feels to be laying on my couch with a porterhouse residing in my stomach and college football on both big screens. I won’t bore you with the details of my week, but suffice it to say that this is the first time I’ve had to relax for quite some time. And, assuming that I didn’t undercook the porterhouse, which is a fact that is very much up in the air at the moment, I plan on spending a little time indulging myself and hopefully entertaining you. Don’t worry, if I didn’t get the job done with the steak, I will spare you the details.

We are quickly approaching the conclusion of the second week of college football, and we’ve already had more than our fair share of surprises. I mean, did you ever envision a world where ND, Miami, Michigan, and FSU would all be horrible? I have to be careful what I say about Michigan because I truly value my friendship with Huge, and I really am fearful that he is going to harm himself or somebody else, but I can’t ignore what is going on in Ann Arbor. Is it possible that the Wolverines haven’t recovered from their epic loss in the Horseshoe last November? Is it possible that the maze and blue would be better off with Chan Gailey wearing the headsets than Lloyd Carr? Is it possible that Reggie Ball has inhabited Chad Henne’s body? I don’t know what the answer is, but I’ve never seen a more stunning fall from prominence. I mean, it is possible that one occurred while I was in college and I was too drunk to remember it, but somebody will have to remind me. The only thing I can say with any certainty about the state of Michigan football is that it is bad…very bad. Oh, and Lloyd Carr is going to be doing studio work on The Big Ten Network next season.

As far as Miami goes, not many teams can go into Norman and compete with the Sooners, but you are The U for God’s sake! Have some f*cking pride, men. Think of all the great men that have gone before you. Sure, Michael Irvin and Benny Blades have had their issues with the law, but they never would have gone out like the Canes did today. Can somebody please get a boat load of blow and swagger to South Beach in a hurry? Can’t we all agree that college football is a better place when we have loads of blow and swagger in South Beach? And, oh, by the way, OU is back and as good as ever. It’s only taken six freaking years, but Stoops finally has a quarterback good enough to take him back to the promised land. Boomer!

As a quick aside, South Carolina just held on to beat Georgia. Too bad for the Dawgs. Really, I’m heart broken. On the bright side, Spurrier only had the second best recruiting class in the country last year. I’m sure USC won’t be good for very long! And yes, I’m feeling very good about my Steve Spurrier will win the SEC East within four years prediction…very good. God bless Steve Spurrier.

Let’s talk about Notre Dame for a minute. They are horrible. No way to sugar coat it. They might not win three games this year, but you can’t help but be impressed by the way Jimmy Clausen hung in there and made some outstanding throws in the fourth quarter. It’s not going to be a fun season in South Bend, but if they can put some speed and athleticism around Clausen in the next few years, The Irish might win a bowl game in the Clausen era. Maybe!

Seeing as how they managed to pull off a victory, I’m sure some of you are wondering why I’m picking on FSU today. Well, UAB did dominate 40 minutes of that game, and UAB lost by 33 to a woeful Michigan St. team last week. In other words, FSU has nothing to be proud of tonight.
I’m sure you folks are expecting me to say something, if not a lot, about the impressive 2-0 start by Georgia Tech. Well, if that is what you are expecting, you don’t know me as well as I though you did. Things have gone better than I could have imagined in the first two weeks, and I am not about screw it up by talking about it. Surely, you knew that!

Here’s a few more expert observations before I put the laptop away and fall asleep watching LSU punish Va. Tech:

1) LSU is very good;

2) Auburn’s Brandon Cox has managed to get worse every year he has played. He is the Robert O’Kelly of college football;

3) Eddie Royal of Va. Tech has my favorite name in college football;

4) Despite the fact that he used the word “tough” 7 times in 12 seconds, Bob Davie has somehow become my favorite college football announcer. I can’t believe I just typed those words, but I did, and I can’t take it back now;

5) If South Florida beats Auburn tonight, how long will it take Tommy Tubberville to start bitching about a playoff? I’m guessing less than 13 seconds. He sucks;

6) I just saw a shot of Va. Tech’s stud freshman quarterback, Tyrod Taylor, and he is from Hampton, VA, which prompts the following questions: 1) How many great athletes come out of Hampton, VA; 2) Why is Tyrod not in this game; 3) Can we agree to call him “TT”; and 4) Insert dog fighting joke here.

And, here are my week 1 NFL picks:

1) Houston -3 v. K.C.;

2) Denver -3 @ Buffalo;

3) Cleveland +4 v. Pittsburgh;

4) Tennessee +7 @ Jax;

5) Carolina +1 @ St. Louis;

6) G.B. +3 v. Philly;

7) Atlanta +3 @ Minnesota;

8) Washington -3 v. Miami;

9) Jets +6.5 v. N.E.;

10) Seattle -6 v. T.B.;

11) Chicago +6 @ San Diego;

12) Detroit +3 @ Oakland;

13) Giants +6 @ Dallas;

14) Cincy -3 v. Baltimore;

15) San Fran. -3 v. Arizona.