Tuesday, January 09, 2007

BCS Swan Song

8:17: Here we are, live at the WAD Palace (a/k/a Hans’ house), and we’ve assembled an impressive cast of characters for tonight’s National Championship Game. On the big couch, we’ve got Chandler (fresh off a weekend with the in-laws, we could see a legendary performance from him tonight, let’s just say three beers in the first 12 minutes is a good start), Hans (foregoing the skull cap from last year’s game and sporting his trusty FDNY hat), and Alec (he’s the shortest guy in the room, but he’s definitely got the biggest heart). In the rolling computer chair, we’ve got Fisher, who has already insulted three of us and has spent the past six minutes thinking of some way to insult Chandler…give him time. Next to me on the loveseat, we’ve got the only SEC representative, Ricky F. (this might be the first night in half a decade he hasn’t gotten laid by 10 P.M., so he’s a little restless), and then there’s me, sporting the skull cap in honor of Hans’ performance last year. Hold on to your seats brothers and sisters, this is going to be a fun night!

8:22: We are still waiting for the teams to take the field, but the boys on the big couch are passing the time by checking out http://www.perezhilton.com/. I promised them that wouldn’t make it in the diary, so we are five minutes in, and I’m already sacrificing lifetime friendships! Hey, the WAD only comes to an end once!

8:25: Chris Meyers: Coach Urban Meyer, are you nervous?
Coach Meyer: I’m not nervous, because I’m a huge f*cking prick, and I make Tommy Tuberville look like a class act. Seriously, I’m an awful person, and I deserve to get my ass kicked and sodomized by a gang of fugitives.

Okay, he didn’t say that, but it doesn’t mean it’s not true.

8:28: Yes sir! We’ve got the A team, Brennaman, Alvarez, and Davis! This is the crew that did the Fiesta Bowl, and if they do half the job they did that night, we are in good hands.

8:30: The coin toss just resembled a cross between an alzheimer's documentary and Sesame Street. Horrible!

8:32: All I just heard come from the big couch was, “Have you seen the Screech tape where he’s banging those chicks”, followed by three dudes staring at a laptop and saying, “Niiiice” in unison.

8:33: Bracey just arrived and rubbed his balls in my pizza. Bear in mind, I’m the youngest man in the room, and I’m 29.

8:34: Remember what I said about Ted Ginn making a big special teams play? Well, that didn’t take long. Suck on that Urban! And now, we are approximately three plays away from Chris Leak’s first turnover.

8:35: Well, we just learned how a kicker makes a tackle in the open field. That was the finest face mask I’ve ever seen.

8:39: It’s not often you get 7 dudes in a room, and all three announcers to agree that there was a bad spot, but we just saw it. These, of course, are Pac-10 refs, so anything is possible.

8:41: Hey, Tebow runs up the middle…shocking!

“No, a camel toe is not a play!” That comment was just uttered, and I don’t even know what to say about that.

8:42: Dallas Baker the touchdown maker just caught a very Roethlisbergeresque touchdown from Leak. You know, the kind where he closes his eyes, tosses it up in the air, it barely escapes the reach of the corner who has 90 yards of green in front of him, and somehow ends up with a touchdown! This is going to be interesting.

8:43: Rick: Is Florida’s kicker the worst kicker in America?
Me: I’m pretty sure USC’s kicker is worse right now!

Yes, I’m going to hell.

8:46: Fisher astutely points out that Florida has found a very effective way to deal with the Ted Ginn problem…kick it to the white guy! Those are the things you won’t hear on t.v., but you should, because EVERYBODY in America just had the same thought.

8:47: Shalls just showed up to join the cast of characters. He is only 30 minutes late, which makes him half an hour early in his world.

8:48: From the big couch: “Carmen Electra doesn’t look like Tim Duncan!” I don’t know who said that, but I’m glad they cleared that up!

8:49: Did you know that Dave Navarro was bi-curious? Well, according to the big couch, he is!

8:51: Florida’s D just looked pretty solid on their first possession. In fact, Troy Smith appears well on his way to a Shane Falco in the Sugar Bowl performance.

8:53: We just had the first, “did somebody fart” inquiry of the night. The answer? What do you think?

8:58: Ohio State apparently decided to play this game without an offense or defense! Seriously, Urban Meyer’s gimmicky, bullshit, playstation offense is just shredding them.

8:59: Awesome! We have our first review of the night. Have I mentioned how much I loathe instant replay in college football? I have? Okay, just so we are clear.

9:01: What do you know, everybody in America looking at the replay can see that the UF kid didn’t cross the plane of the goal-line, but that is apparently not enough to overturn it. The percentage of calls that actually get overturned must be in single digits. Okay, this is the last day of the WAD, so this is the last time you will ever have to hear me say this: REPLAY HAS NO PLACE IN SPORTS!!!!! I feel better.

9:05: Uh-oh! If you have money on OSU (not that I would know anything about that), you really don’t like to see Ted Ginn, Jr. limping to the locker room with an injury. WTF???

9:08: Is it just me or is Troy Smith running in sand? He doesn’t look like he put on 15 lbs. on the banquet circuit, but he’s sure running like it.

9:10: Interception for the Heisman winner. The Buckeyes better get a hold on this thing in a hurry, or this could be over by halftime.

9:13: We are now five minutes into the annual, why don’t we have a playoff in college football debate? I never thought I’d say this, but I just don’t have the energy to argue any more.

9:15: Charles Davis just informed us that the Florida receivers call themselves “The Goonies”. I’m doing all I can to think of a joke here, but I just can’t think of anything that is funnier than what actually happened. I mean, clearly Baker, Caldwell, and the whole receiving crew were sitting in somebody’s dorm room, hitting the bong, and somebody said, “You know what man, this is us…we are the f*cking Goonies!” This is the ONLY way this could have possibly happened.

9:18: Here’s a gift from the big couch… www.urbancougar.com Good times.

9:20: The past two minutes of conversation simply cannot be repeated.

9:21: DeShawn Wynn just shoved it right down the Buckeyes throat for the Gators’ third touchdown, and then, he promptly had his balls stroked by an OSU defender. I’m not making this up. We watched it six times just to be sure. Weird.

9:24: Florida just got flagged for the first time tonight….Cheaters!!!

9:25: Fite is calling me, but I’ve got pizza to my left, my laptop in my lap, and a dip in my mouth…no chance I can answer the phone right now.

9:27: Antonio Pittman up the middle….YES SIRRRRR!!!! Game on. If you have under 46, you can go to bed right now.

9:29: We’ve now got the Georgetown/Villanova basketball game on the little big screen. We are 7 minutes into the second half, and I’m pretty sure one of the teams in the football game is going to crack 40 before either one of these two teams. Am I the only one that is seriously worried about the state of college basketball? I am? Okay, back to the football game...

9:36: We’ve just spent the past 7 minutes discussing whether you can grow real grass inside. I think we've finally decided on yes, so everybody can relax now.

9:42: I can’t even enjoy the Buckeyes’ first defensive stop of the evening, because I’m being tortured by this damn Dodge commercial featuring the transformers. Seriously, this is the 8th time we’ve seen it tonight.

9:43: 5 days, 22 hours, 16 minutes, and 7 seconds until the season premier of “24”.

9:45: Troy Smith officially looks like shit. Sure, it’s been five months since they played a game, but this is a little ridiculous.

9:47: We are in the midst of a detailed discussion about the drinking of horse semen in “Jackass II”. How jealous are you that you weren’t here?

9:48: Hey, it’s the f*cking transformers again! 9 and counting.

9:50: Let’s go ahead and be clear about this: If Tim Tebow is in the game, he is going to run the ball straight up the middle. It’s not rocket science Buckeyes.

9:55: Okay, the last three plays we finally saw the Chris Leak I’ve come to know and love, but it might be the Gators' night, because they got away with it.

9:56: Chris Hetland, Florida’s kicker, just emphatically told the world, “I’m better than that guy from USC, damn it!” 24 -14 Gators.

9:57: Transformers #10. Actually, Greg just informed us that it is actually the Rock ‘em, sock ‘em Robots. I wish I could say that it made the commercials any less annoying, but I can’t.
9:59: State of the game to this point: Total yards, UF – 229, OSU – 69.

10:00: Ohio State goes for it on their own 30, down 10, with 3:37 left in the first half, and they run it up the gut, apparently come up short, but the refs don’t even measure. I mean, he was probably short, but he wasn’t short enough not to measure. I’m sorry, but the fact that they didn’t even measure is OUTRAGEOUS!!!! Would the Pac-10 be better off if they just played call your own like on the playground? I don't see how that could be any worse than these guys.

10:02: If OSU holds UF to a field goal here, they just might win this game. Trust me.

10:05: Okay, they held them to the field goal, and we’ll get to put my prediction to the test!

10:08: Well, it looks like I’m going to fail the test. Of course, I didn’t count on Troy Smith pulling his Reggie Ball impersonation and turning the ball over again.

10:09: Tebow up the middle…shocking!

10:10: Tebow up the middle…boring!

10:10: The only positive thing about Tebow being involved in this game is that we had a reason to mention “Two-A-Days”. Remember that Tebow was the losing quarterback in the big Niece vs. Hoover showdown in the first episode last season. Don’t even act like you didn’t know that!

Hey, Tebow throws for a touchdown. That’s awesome. So, now we know he can fall forward three yards, and he can throw a one yard pass. It’s hard not to see why this guy is considered the second coming in Gainesville!

10:16: Troy Smith throws a Hail Mary out of bounds. Thank God this half is over. Not to mention, I have the hiccups! The second half can’t be any worse, right?

10:42: Second half kickoff. On the bright side for the Buckeyes, Florida didn’t run it back for a touchdown.

Chris Meyers just informed us that Ted Ginn is just now having his ankle x-rayed. I guess the first 26 minutes of the halftime weren’t enough time to take a picture of his freaking ankle.

10:45: Big hold for the Buckeyes, followed by Florida shanking one of their cutsy little roll out punts. I HATE Urban Meyer and all he stands for.

10:46: Rick and Fish are having a stimulating conversation about the kids they remember from their elementary school class in Ohio. We should have charged admission for this.

10:51: I’m bored.

10:54: Ted Ginn on crutches…now, I’m bored and depressed.

10:57: The Buckeyes just got the ball back, and there seems to be a consensus in this room, at least, that this game is going to get close.

10:59: Man, life has changed. We just spent the commercial break talking about what time we go to bed on a usual night, and what Fish’s son eats. I can feel myself getting older by the second.

11:01: Troy Smith is 3 of 9, with a pick and a fumble, and he's fallen at least two rounds in the NFL draft.

11:02: Now, we are talking about the bowel movements of Fish's son and Chandler's nephew. Does it get any better than this? Yup, this is now how we roll!

11:05: Ball just sent me a text message asking, “how many rounds has Troy Smith dropped tonight?” Well, four minutes ago I thought it was two, but now, it's at least 4. It's amazing how awful he looks tonight. I can't remember a performance this poor by a college quarterback not named Reggie Ball...EVER!!!

I’m not even paying attention to the game anymore. We’ve spent the past five minutes arguing about whether Tikki is a Hall of Famer. Do I have to go through the stats again? Over the past five years, he ran himself into Canton. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

11:18: It’s 34 – 14 heading into the 4th quarter, and this has officially turned into one of the most boring bowl games of the season.

11:19: 5 days, 20 hours, 40 minutes, 01 second until the season premier of “24”.

11:22: Can we re-vote on the Heisman?

11:25: Rick just pointed out that “The ‘O’ Face Guy” is one of the dudes in that Allstate commercial where they wreck the car. Good to see he’s capitalized on his big break in “Office Space”.

11:30: Tim Tebow is a punk. No need to jump around and waive your arms after another run up the middle, chief.

We’ve all officially stopped paying attention. Case in point, Rick just screamed “Go For It”. This wouldn't be so bad if it was fourth down, but since it's third down, it's a little startling.

11:37: Okay, it’s over! I’m officially quitting the diary and this game. The sight of Urban Meyer succeeding and Jim Tressel failing is too much for me to take. Just further proof that good things do happen to bad people!

11:54: Okay, I lied, I'm not done yet. As if you needed more evidence that Urban Meyer is a HUGE dick, they just threw for a first down on fourth down, up 27 with 3 minutes left in the game. Let’s just hope that comes back to haunt him one day!

Well, that's it. After 15 months, 342 posts, 2 different sites, and countless laughs...it's all over. I wish tonight's game had been more exciting, but there wasn't much we could do about that. On the bright side, for one last time, the WAD provided a great excuse to get together with some of my best friends, watch a game, crack jokes, and bust each other's balls. And, at the end of the day, isn't that what this whole experience was all about? Thanks again to all of you for making this a truly amazing experience. When it all started, I never imagined it would last 15 months, and now, I'm very proud that it has. And, even though I have no intention of making a comeback, Stats has set the over/under at 4.5 months. If he's right, you guys will be the first to know.

Good luck, God Bless, and thanks for the memories!