- I guess there is no way around talking about the Jackets’ embarrassment Saturday night. So, here it is: Reggie Ball sucks, Chan Gailey sucks (although, he does seem like a great guy and gives a solid halftime interview), and I now fully expect us to go 7-5. This time last week, I was convinced we were going 11-1, winning the ACC Championship, and going to the Orange Bowl. You know me, I like to keep things on an even keel (by the way, can somebody explain to me the meaning of the word “keel”? I use the expression all the time, but I have no idea what a keel is. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m spelling it right.)
- On a brighter note, the Falcons offensive looked tremendous this weekend. Their defense, of course, was abysmal (When you get shredded by not only Big Stiff, but Chaz Batch, in the same game…you’ve got major issues in your secondary!) But, at the end of the day, we got a huge win over the defending Super Bowl champs, and we FINALLY got to see Mike Vick at his most explosive. It was like we turned the clock back to the 2000 Sugar Bowl when America first realized Vick could be the most explosive force in football. Look, I don’t want to overstate it, but it felt really good to see Mike Vick playing football Sunday, and I only hope that Jim Mora and Greg Knapp felt the same way.
- In case you haven’t checked the standings, Florida State is in last place in the ACC Atlantic Division. And yes, that felt very good to write. In fact, let me write it again: Florida State is in last place in the ACC Atlantic Division.
- So, Brady Quinn and Jeff Samardja connected for an approximately $15 million pass on Saturday. I think it’s only fair that the University split it equally between them and Karl Dorell. I’m not going to say anything else about this game. I’m just hoping that Vines, my law school roommate and UCLA that was in attendance in South Bend on Saturday, decides to chime in today and provide some insight. I would share the content of his text messages following the game, but I don’t want to alert the FCC or anything.
- Hey, the Colts are 6-0, should we start talking about 16-0? Of course not! I made that mistake about this same time last year. Fool me once... (fill in your President Bush joke here)
- After all of last week’s Hall of Fame/retirement talk surrounding Tikki Barber, his twin brother Ronde came up huge with two pick 6’s against my least favorite player, D.F. McNabb. So, based on my unabashed man crush on Tikki, and my appreciation for what Ronde did this weekend, I’d like to propose that they be the first twins to be inducted into the Hall of Fame together. Who’s with me?
- I don’t know if I’m more shocked that Chester Taylor had a 95 yard touchdown run on Sunday or if there is a grown man that actually goes by the name Chester? I’ll let you know when I sort this out.
- Congratulations to Art Shell and the Raiders. I’m still picking against you every week, but at least you can go to bed tonight knowing there is one worse team in the NFL.
- So, I joined some good friends Saturday night to watch the Tech/Clemson game, and I took my computer along in the hopes that I would keep a very entertaining running diary of the game. I’ve loved doing every running diary that I have done to this point, but one thing I didn’t account for is that I’ve never done a diary for a Tech game. Well, let’s just say that after a few minutes (27 to be exact) I realized that there was no way I could possibly control my emotions enough to keep a diary. And, in retrospect, based on the outcome of the game, it’s probably a good thing I abandoned the diary. That being said, before I called it quits, I did manage to capture some amusing moments, so I figured I’d go ahead and share with you as far as I got:
7:42 - We are coming to you live from the Fisher Compound in Alpharetta, Georgia. We, of course, have convened to watch the most important Georgia Tech football game since three weeks ago. Big game!
7:43 - Oh crap, I totally forgot that Mike Patrick is the play by play game for this one. Needless to say, I’d rather be molested by a priest than listen to Patrick. He used to be a great announcer, but he lost his fastball around four years ago. I’m not sure if it was all those years of being in the box with Joe Theisman that made him dumb or if it was the stroke (actually, I think it was like an octuple bypass or something)? Either way, he sucks!
7:44 - Here come the Tigers. They are in all purple for the first time ever, apparently. Obviously, the same people making decisions on the announcing crews for ESPN are making the uniform decisions for Clemson. Just gross.
7:47 - Holly Rowe must be phenomenal at her job. That’s all I’m saying about this.
7:47 - This crowd is insane. Then again, 70% of the Clemson fans are a product of an insidious sexual relationship between first cousins, so what do you expect? (The great thing about being a Tech alum is that we can make redneck/in-bred jokes about every other major state university in the Deep South because we are the only one that is not located in some middle of nowhere cow town that is infested by redneck fans that have never actually stepped foot on the campus for any purpose other than a football game. Those fans, of course, are what make games at places like Clemson, Auburn, FSU, Bama, UGA, UT, etc... so much fun. But, it doesn't change who they are. And yes, I am a huge snob.)
7:48 - It appears that Coach Chan has totally abandoned the idea of trying to teach our team how to cover kickoffs. Instead, we are just going to pooch the ball to the 30. That makes sense. I mean, everybody else in America can cover kickoffs, we wouldn’t want to be conformist!
7:48 - Fisher makes his first smart ass comment of the night to Bracey. The over/under is 114.
7:50 - Clemson converts their first third and long of the night, but they appear to have lost one of their starting offensive linemen, which leads to Robbie explaining that all of Clemson’s offensive linemen are big boys. He apparently is determined to be the next Mike Patrick.
7:53 - By the way, our cast of characters are Fisher, Ball and his fiancé Kim, Bracey and his wife Erin, and sporadic appearances by Fisher’s wife, Kelli, and two and a half year old son, Wilson. Okay, I just felt like I needed to explain that.
7:55 - The Jackets finally stymie Clemson’s opening drive, and Wilson just makes his first appearance. I’m actually not allowed to speak while he’s in the room, because I say the “f” word a lot…a lot. Trust me.
7:57 - The ticker reveals that Columbia lost again today, and I make my obligatory, “Dang it, I can’t believe Columbia lost again!” comment as sarcastically as possible. And yes, I did say “dang”. See, I can be trusted around children.
7:58 - I spoke too soon, Clemson is going for it….and….he’s running….he’s throwing….and yes SIRRR, interception. We, of course, lost 10 yards of field position by actually catching the ball instead of just batting it down, but beggars can’t be choosers!
7:59 - We go deep to Calvin Johnson on the first play, he gets interfered with, and we get a long explanation from Blackledge and Patrick of how pass interference in college is only a 15 yard penalty! Thank God these guys are here, because I’m sure some dude in Topeka just sat down to watch a random ACC game and was wondering what the penalty for pass interference was. How do these guys get these great jobs?
8:02 - Direct quote from Blackledge: “Reggie Ball is not really a tall quarterback.” Thanks, Todd. That's about the equivalent of saying, "Todd Blackledge is not really a good announcer." Some things should just go without saying.
8:04 - Kelli just asked if anybody needed anything from upstairs, and I was less than a split second from making my obligatory, “unless you can find me a....(fill in your own crass/perverse/profane/wildly inappropriate comment here).... up there, I’m good”, when I realized Wilson was sitting at my feet. Again, my restraint is remarkable. I'm showing will power that I never knew I possessed. This night has the potential to be a real turning point in my life...well...at least until Wilson goes to bed.
8:04 – So, we are lining up for a 42 yard field goal, which we had less than 25% chance of making, and Clemson jumps offsides. That’s a well coached football team. In fact, this game could shape up to be the equivalent of an academic decathalon between Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton.
8:07 - Calvin Johnson just had what Ball described as the greatest four yard loss in history, and I think he’s right. Anybody who doesn’t understand that he’s the best college football player in America is dumb.
8:09 - Travis Bell misses a 39 yard field goal. Awesome. Bracey immediately turns to Dave and asks, “do we have another kicker?” Not exactly the type of question that you want to have to be asking yourself when you are supposed to be a top 15 team.
Of course, as you know by now, Bell’s missed field goal was just the beginning of a series of disasters for the Jackets that ultimately concluded with the aforementioned best college football player in America catching 0 passes for 0 yards and only having three balls thrown in his vicinity all night (notice I didn't say at him. Reggie Ball doesn't throw at any one, he only throws near them, if he's lucky). If you will excuse me, I’m now going to finally find out if a jump from my office window would kill me or just break my legs!