Last night, I was stuck at the office until long after the start of the epic MNF clash between the Has Been (Favre) and the Never Was (McNabb). But, being the great roommate that he is, Hans decided to step up and keep me up to date on the game with frequent email updates. Much to my delight, however, these weren't just your average run of the mill updates. No sir, Hans decided to take a shot at a running diary, and here is what ensued (the parts in red are my responses to his pearls of wisdom, some at the time and some in retrospect):
I have decided to give you a running diary of what i am doing right now...you know, being the good friend that i am
8:41 just started Prison Break. I was thinking that this is one of the few shows out there without a really hot chick that is a mainstay. I guess the doctor, but she is not even that hot. (To insinuate that she is not hot is simply absurd. This chick, along with the chick that plays Cameron on "House" are the two top ranked "attainable hot chicks" in Hollywood right now. Well, that is if you don't count O'Malley's girlfriend on "Grey's", and I don't think she's hot. Amazingly though, some people think she's hot. Then again, some people think voting democrat makes sense! It's a crazy world we live in).
8:43 Brett Favre just got the ball and is going to start. he's got 6 td's in the last two games. and to think you think he should just hang it up...
8:45 3 and out. typical...
8:46 aforementioned doctor is on. she is hotter than I remember. (That's better. I was actually legitimately worried for a few minutes.)
8:47 I hope donovan breaks his face. (I couldn't agree more. McNabb is one of my ten least favorite athletes. He's the real life NFL version of Big Ern McCracken. And, if you thing for one minute that McNabb isn't the type of guy that would put sugar in your gas tank and then leave you behind to get your hand mangled in a ball returner, you are flat out kidding yourself. He's to blame for what happened in Philly last year, not T.O. That is my story and I'm sticking to it.)
8:47 donovan sacked on 3rd and 9. The pack is BRINGIN' it, playa!
8:48 The pack has the ball at midfield. The eagles' top two corners are out. I think Brett is going to go off. What is the spread in this game? F it...who cares...what's the money line? the pack is going to win this outright.
8:49 The FBI agent that is trying to run down these guys is a good actor, I guess. But I am pretty sure that i would whoop his ass (Not only is he a pretty good actor, but he and Billy Bob Thornton have both proved that it is possibe to become a star in Hollywood even if you once suffered from horrible acne.)
8:51 Brett Favre is slinging it..two completions in a row. down to the philly 25. would you ever bet against Brett Favre on Monday night? not if you like money (Right now, I would bet against Brett Favre in a punt, pass, and kick contest against my six year old nephew.)
8:53 Looks as if the eagles are sensing the same thing as me as they just drew a personal foul for roughing the passer. cheaters. Favre completed the pass anyway.
8:54 The pretty doctor is now officially hot. Where are all the super hot, drug addict doctors, that are easily manipulated, and whose dad is the governor, anyway? oops, said governor just hung himself because his VP nomination was pulled. p ** sy. (If you want suicide done right in Hollywood, you call this guy. Remember when he was the crooked cop that killed himself on the way home from the whorehouse in Season 1 of "The Sopranos"? He's definitely got a gift. I guess you've got to play to your strengths.)
8:56 Donald Driver just caught a TD pass but couldn't get his foot down. And it's a wonder that Brett keeps throwing TD's with these retards as his targets. How come waste aways like kurt warner get ridiculous offensive teammates.
8:57 FG Green Bay!! What's up? (There was more to this particular entry, but it has been removed for all our sakes. It was hilarious, but we are all better off that it's not in print. Trust me.)
8:59. Prison Break is not a good show. i have realized this. Oh well. (it's not that Prison Break isn't a good show, it's that it will be impossible to end it in a satisfying way, and it can't go on forever. It just can't. But, that runs contrary to what t.v. is all about. They want to find a hit and milk it for every episode and advertising dollar they can. It just can't end well. It would have been a much better movie. You know, a Godfather style, three and a half hour epic. I'd pay $50 to see that movie.)
9:11 running diaries suck (I don't think he's going to make it much longer).
9:13 Brett Favre is has guided the pack from their 3 yardline to midfield. it's probably good that you are not here. You would probably be annoyed. (Yes, I believe having to watch my roommate give fellatio to another man through our television screen would be annoying).
9:15 They found the money, but the cops are on the way!! I am so nervous (Nobody tell me a dman thing. I haven't watched it yet).
9:15. Damn it. there I go talking shit about the pack and they have to punt. typical
And, that is where it stopped. Sure, if this had been a marathon, Hans would have only made it to the 5 mile mark before stopping, but he ran his ass off for those five miles. And, just think about this: Joe Theisman gets paid tons of cash to offer less insight in an entire game than Hans offered in 45 minutes, and Theisman doesn't have to tell you about "Prison Break" at the same time! The Lesson? I'd rather read what Hans has to say than listen to what Theisman. Therfore, Hans has joined the ranks of every other human being in America not named Paul McGuire or Mike Patrick. Congratulations buddy, that's quite an accomplishment.