I know it’s Friday, and I know that means most of you have probably completely forgotten about last weekend, but as you have read, it’s been a pretty tough week and it has taken me until now to get you a transcript of this week’s WAD press conference. So, without further adieu, here is what transpired when the nation’s most esteemed sports journalists got together to question some of the nation’s most prominent coaches, athletes, and former child stars turned amateur porn stars (by the way, after his shameful selling out of Jason Whitlock by towing the company line in Wednesday’s ESPN.com chat, Bill Simmons has had his WAD credentials indefinitely revoked).
Q: Coach Willingham, congratulations on early success with this year's
Husky team. Most expected less than a 3-1 start. I can think of a team
that's 3-1 right now that everyone expected to be much better. Care to talk
A: No, not really. I mean, I don’t really have much of an opinion about Georgia Tech.
Q: Calvin, tell us about the chemistry between you and Reggie Ball... and
how great would you be if you had anything that resembled a qb throwing to
A: I’m sorry, I don’t know anything about Chemistry. I’m a business major so I got to take Biology. As for Reggie, I mean, he sucks. What else do you want me to say? Sure, if I went somewhere with a half way decent quarterback I would be the greatest receiver in the history of the ACC, but instead, I came to play with this guy. The good news is that this time next year I will be rich and he will be riding the pine for some minor league arena team in Pine Bluff or Grand Rapids. I wish him a life of misery. I think that just about covers it. Next question.
Q: Karl Dorrell... are you really a good coach? How come your team shits
the bed all the time? Wyoming? Arizona? Washington? You're overhyped,
A: Dude, I’m the football coach at a school that doesn’t know we have a football team in a city that only cares about our cross town rival. Hell, I didn’t even know I was hyped much less overhyped.
Q: Callahan, wouldn't it piss you off if those no-name schools you played
ate clock all game and never tried and didn't let you rack up the 50 you
usually do in Lincoln?
A: Sure, I didn’t play to win at USC, but we pay those no name teams more than a quarter of a million dollars to come let us whip their ass. If they sat on the ball like we did in L.A. do you think we’d EVER pay them to come back?
Q: Art Shell, great game this past weekend. The offense looked the most
alive since the beginning of the season.
A: What? I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I was just sitting here staring off into to space. That’s all Mr. Davis pays me to do.
Q: Mike, was that really you the first two weeks or was it Ron Mexico? Is
he coming back or are you gonna pull this shit again the rest of the year?
A: Well, the NFL regular season is 4 months long, so I’m guessing that Ron will pop up at least one or two more times.
Q: Coach Weiss, your team just proved that there is a God and that he bleeds Notre Dame football. Other than divine intervention, what do you chalk the win up to? Is John L Smith just that big of a dumbass?
A: You know, I never bought into this whole “luck of the Irish” thing, but then I looked at our schedule before the season started and saw that we got to go up Chan Gailey, John L. Smith, and guy that apparently needs to wear Depends in the first four weeks! Are you kidding me? My gastric bypass may not have worked, but I still feel like the luckiest man alive.
Q: Brady Quinn, you go to a school famous for the unattractiveness of its co-eds. Is there nothing you like better than getting a big win on the road at a big state school like MSU and getting to be the man of the town in a place with some hot girls? How many Spartan cheerleaders will you play hide the leprechaun with tonight?
A: My sister is not a slut! Oh, I’m sorry. That’s not what you asked was it?
Q: Brett Favre, you just beat the Lions for Green Bay's first win of the season. Do you think you will win any games against professional teams? Do you feel at all guilty about taking out your frustrations on the Lions Pop Warner secondary?
A: Are you serious? I’m Brett Favre. I’m the most selfish athlete on the planet right now. I don’t feel guilty about anything.
So, as you can tell, it was a fascinating week in The WAD press room. Well, enough about the week gone by, let’s take a look at the weekend to come:
Last week was a level 4 disaster in college. The only thing that kept it from reaching level 5 was the fact that Bill Callahan remembered that the object of the game was to cross the other team’s goalline. No small accomplishment for a former NFL guy…just ask Chan Gailey (I’m sorry, I just can’t resist an opportunity to take a shot at this stiff). How am I going to respond to a level 4 disaster? What do you think? Here we go:
Virginia -5.5 @ Duke - Virginia is horrible, but they aren’t "lose to Duke" horrible. Good thing for Ted Roof that nobody at Duke is actually paying attention.
Illinois +26 @ MSU – Sure, Illinois is even worse than Virginia or Duke, but John L. Smith and the Spartans have officially entered “always take the points against them” territory. There is just no amount of points that I’d feel comfortable laying with this team.
LSU -33 vs. Mississippi State - Mississippi State has to score to beat this spread. So, I feel pretty good about laying the points.
Oregon +1.5 @ Arizona State - Phil Knight is till an Oregon fan, right? I like the Ducks.
Alabama @ Florida Under 39 - If Alabama scores 14 points, I’m in trouble.
Va. Tech -10.5 vs. Georgia Tech – Here we go again. We play a highly touted team tough, we beat a few bullshit teams, we sneak into the Top 25, and everybody gets all fired up for a big showdown game where the Jackets can finally prove they are back on the national stage. Only problem is, under Chan Gailey, we don’t win these games. Don’t believe me? Just look back at Va Tech at home in ’04, Va Tech on the road last year, Georgia at home last year, and Notre Dame at home this year. All those games more or less fit the description, and all of those games ended in losses. I’ve never hoped to be wrong about something so badly, but I’ve seen nothing to make me thing I’m wrong. I’m taking the Hokies and laying the points, and if I’m wrong, I’m okay with that.
Texas Tech @ Texas A&M Over 57 - Going back to the well again. Remember, I said it was a long term investment.
Houston @ Miami Over 48.5 - Houston’s offense is phenomenal and their defense is horrible. I mean, even Miami can put points up on them. I like big points in this game, and yes, I’m biased. The Houston quarterback is my college fantasy quarterback.
Temple +34 @ Vandy - I figured it would be fun to pick this game, and I don’t think Vandy has beaten anybody by 34 points in my lifetime. Oh well, these are the kinds of things you do when you have a gambling problem.
Atlanta -7 vs. Arizona - I don’t care if its Kurt Warner or Matt Leinart, the Falcons D is going to bounce back strong from Monday night’s charitable contribution in New Orleans. And, if Ron’s flare up is over, we should put up a lot of points too. Should be a fun day at the Dome.
Indy -9 @ NYJ - The Jets are better than we thought they would be, but after being bottled up by the Jags last week, the Colts are going to come out firing. J-E-T-S = BLOWOUT!
Miami @ Houston Under 40.5 - How do you not take the under this game?
Carolina -7 vs. New Orleans - If the Saints hadn’t just done what they did the way they did it Monday Night, I probably would like them in this game, but I just figure they’ve got to come crashing back to Earth sometime, and that crash is probably going to be a bad one.
San Francisco +7 @ K.C. - I’m telling you, there is something about this Niners squad that just makes me really want to lose money betting on them. I can’t explain it, it’s like an abusive relationship. I know it’s bad for me, but I just can’t leave.
Cleveland -2.5 @ Oakland – Is it Christmas?
Washington +3 vs. Jacksonville - Joe Gibbs as a home dog with a legitimate chance to get this season turned around? Did you really think I could resist this one?
Chicago -3.5 vs. Seattle - I’ve been saying this since the day he got drafted, but I’m going to say it again: Rex Grossman is the next Brett Favre…at least the good part of the Favre career. He’s a gunslinger and a winner, and he’s coming into his own. A big Sunday night stage against the defending NFC Champs minus their best player is as good a time as any for Rex’s coming out party.