This last weekend was full of good times. I went home to OKC on Thursday night to be a groomsman in my fraternity brother's wedding (along with our faithful reader 5 Aces).
As a married man, I've been trained well enough to know a few things about weddings that my fraternity brother did not. First, have a gift for your wife on your wedding day. His wife gave him a gift and he had nothing. Talk about your awkward moments. Second, if your fiance asks you not to play a song at the reception, don't play the damn song. The song in question was Boomer Sooner, and she was mucho pissed. But I digress.
I had some time to kill Friday before the rehearsal, so my brother and I decided to catch the 10:40 A.M. showing of Snakes on a Plane. To set the scene, there were exactly four other people in the theater. We were the only two laughing.
Snakes opens with a token white guy witnessing a murder in Hawaii. He sees an Asian mobster beat a prosecutor to death with a baseball bat. The mobsters know there was a witness, and they send in some dudes to take the white guy out. Enter Big Sam Jackson. Sam saves the white guy's ass, then tells him that he must travel to Los Angeles to testify about the murder. Lawyers might ask "why do you have to testify in Los Angeles when the murder took place in Hawaii?" This type of question is right up there with "how come Rambo never has to reload?" They are both completely irrelevant.
For whatever reason, white boy has to testify in LA and he has to get there rightnow. Sam sets up a decoy private jet, trying to throw the Asians off. Sam must not remember high school: them Asians are smart. They see Sam loading honkey on a redeye commercial flight. Seconds later the Asians are loading a crate of snakes on the plane.
Sam and the witness board first, and they commandeer the entire first class cabin. As everyone else is boarding, the flight attendants give out leis. I've been to Hawaii twice. Both times, I got a lei on arrival. When I left they didn't give me a damn thing.
But, in the movies, you get a lei when you leave Hawaii. This time, however, those crafty Asian mobsters coated the leis with a special pheromone. This pheromone drives the snakes into a frenzy and makes them hyper aggressive.
All this takes place during the first 20 minutes of the movie. During the twenty first minute the box of snakes opens. The next hour is people getting bit by snakes. There were several notable bites:
1. A topless girl gets bit on the nipple.
2. A guy gets bit on the dick while taking a leak.
3. A snake crawls up a sleeping woman's skirt, causing her to moan with delight.
4. Two people get bit on the ass (with the inevitable "suck the poison out" scene).
The rest of the bites were garden variety eye, neck, and face shots. Toward the very end, an anaconda appeared. One of the passengers threw a chihuahua at it, which the snake ate. Then the snake ate the passenger that threw the dog. High comedy.
Finally, Sam's had enough: "I'm tired of these motherfuckin' snakes on my motherfuckin' plane." Sam's got a plan. He tells everybody to buckle up, then he shoots out a few windows. A chunk of the wall blows out, and all of the snakes get sucked out of the plane.
Then the movie is over. That's it. No Asian trial, no nothing. All we get left with is Sam and the white guy each getting a flight attendant to go on a date.
So, what's the final rating? Well, the movie had the potential to be a first ballot hall of famer: it had Sam Jackson and a nekkid woman. Unfortunately, it fell short. Fite's advice: wait for it on HBO, it will be much funnier for free after several Beam and Cokes.
Shout out to Stats for this link, a sneak preview of Snakes on a Plane 2. Beware of unauthorized movies, however.
Have a nice day.