Thursday, August 31, 2006
That being said, I was all set to redeem myself today with a stellar ACC Preview. However, something funny happened in the process. As I was researching the ACC, I realized that the conference is a mess. There is no dominant team or teams. More teams than not have no idea what to expect. There are no real compelling stories heading into the season, and there is no place from which to even derive much comedy. In short, I have no idea what to say about the ACC. Hell, for all I can tell, my Jackets have a chance to win the league...seriously! So, for your sake, I'm balling the ACC preview.
Really, what could I say anyway? Could I talk about how Bobby Bowden is simply trying to outlive Joe Paterno at this point? Or, how Frank Beamer is looking for somebody to step up and commit a felony quickly so the Hokies don't go into the season under strange circumstances? Or, could I tell you why you should go ahead and pencil Chan Gailey in for 7 wins? Or, should I tell you that Chuck Amato's chest needs its own seat on the team charter? Or, what about the fact that UNC fans are still pissed Bunting won 7 games two years ago and cost them a chance at Spurrier? Or, even better, could I tell you that Al Groh continues to get less out of more than Jim Donnan ever did? Or, should I take the time to tell you that Ralph Friedgen is really fat? Or, that Tommy Bowden's daughter is naughty? What about the fact that Jim Grobe continues to pray somebody else will hire him? Or, should I state the obvious and tell you that Duke is horrible? Or, finally, should I remind you that Larry Coker looks more and more like Bill Guthridge every day? I mean, I guess I could discuss all these things at length, but don't they really just go without saying.
So, all that being said, where does this leave us? Well, much to my excitement, it leaves us on the eve of my first edition of gambling picks for the season. That's right folks. Tomorrow, I will be unveiling my five stone cold locks for opening weekend. I know I often tell you how excited I am about a certain event, but this time I mean it. I mean, in the chain of life's necessities, gambling falls somewhere between food and shelter in my opinion. Needless to say, I'm down right giddy in anticipation for the first week of action, and I can't wait to share my picks with you tomorrow. In the meantime, however, I feel like I need to give you something to talk about today. And, maybe, just maybe, I can finally succeed in whipping you into that frenzy I've been waiting for. So, without further adieu, here's one last pre-season version of the Great Debate:
I'm going to keep this real simple, and I will be personally offended if every single reader doesn't have an opinion: Who is going to win the National Championship this season?
That's it. It's that simple. Let's hear it boys and girls. Go on record right now to preserve your "I told you so" rights come the first week in January.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Why I love the Big 12:
- Bob Stoops is everything you could ever want in a football coach.
- The 12th Man in College Station
- The Black Shirts
- The Eyes of Texas are upon you. (Goose bumps from the second the band hits the first chord)
- The Boomer Schooner.
- Hook ‘em Horns
- Mike Leach’s offense.
- The fact that Mike Leach had the balls to quit being a lawyer and become a college football coach.
- The fact that Mack Brown silenced all the critics (If you win 11 games at UNC, you are a great coach….period!)
- The fact that Oklahoma State’s stadium faces East-West and if it’s the 4th quarter and the sun is setting, one team is totally screwed.
- The resurgence of K. State under Bill Snyder
- Folsom Stadium at night with the Boulder mountains in the background and the lights beaming off the gold helmets. Just a great scene.
- The fact that the old Southwest Conference still lives on.
- The Red River Shootout. (The old Cotton Bowl split down the middle – only one other scene in college football rivals it, but we’ll get to that in a minute).
Why I Love the SEC:
- Time stands still throughout the South on Saturdays because of SEC football. You just can’t describe how much SEC football means in this part of the country. If you are a sports fan, you have to love that.
- Border wars…every weekend.
- Spurrier. (He’s the greatest college football coach of our lifetimes. No doubt about it. Not to mention, he launched the career of Bob Stoops.)
- War Eagle.
- The Iron Bowl.
- The Cocktail Party (remember when I said only one event rivals the Red River Shootout? Well, this is it.)
- Neyland Stadium filled to capacity. (When you are sitting in the upper deck, you are actually fearful that the whole damn stadium might collapse because it won’t stop swaying. Simply breathtaking. )
- Dreamland BBQ.
- The Egg Bowl.
- The Grove (Why I didn’t go to Ole Miss, I’ll never know.)
- Death Valley at night. (Is there a greater home field advantage in all of sports than 90,000 drunk Cajuns going nuts on every play?)
- The Golden Band from Tiger Land.
- UGA vs. Auburn (one of my favorite games of the year – always a classic)
- The Swamp.
- The fact that Phil Fulmer needs a police escort every time he steps foot in the state of Alabama.
- The fact that Tommy Tubberville has outlasted the President and AD that tried to fire him.
- The twins that always wear those Bear Bryant hats at Alabama home games. What’s not to love here?
These are just the things that come to my mind without even really thinking about it. Truth is, I could probably come up with dozens more for each league. But, at the end of the day, I think it should be obvious that ultimately, the reason why I have such a passion for the Big 12 and SEC is that these are the two leagues where all the things that make college football so special all come together on every campus every Saturday: passion, tradition, and pride. In short, this is where the game is bigger than life. It’s not just a game, it’s an experience, and it’s not just about winning and losing. It’s about bragging rights and even social status among neighbors. In the Big 12 and SEC, if your team doesn’t win on Saturday, it’s not like you wake up on Sunday and everything is okay. No, if you lose on Saturday, you have a sick feeling in your gut until the next Saturday. As a sports fan, how do you not love that?
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
The Big East - Even my six year old nephew knows that there are only two relevant questions in the Big East: 1) Can Dave Wannstedt completely destroy the Pitt program in just two short years? Of course he can. 2) Who is going to win the November 2 showdown between #5 West Virginia and #13 Louisville? Well, I don’t know who is going to win, but I do know that whoever does could be the worst team since Major Harris and the Mountaineers in ’88 to play for the National Title. Stop and think about that and try not to throw up.
The Pac -10 - Sure, USC has a completely new backfield, but I spent over an hour trying to come up with a rational argument to pick anybody else to win the Pac-10, and I just couldn’t. I mean, I considered talking about the great home field advantage in Eugene, or the fact that Mike Stoops and Arizona are poised for a break out, or that Karl Dorrell might be building something in Westwood, or that Ty Willingham is bound to show improvement in Seattle. I considered talking about all those things, but in the end I just couldn’t bring myself to bullshit you. USC is the only relevant program in the Pac-10, and they will again coast to the title. If you don’t believe me, I’m willing to entertain all wagers.
Now that I’ve given the Big East and Pac-10 200 more words than they deserve, let me ask you a question: What if I were to tell you that I promise to never talk about the Big East or the Pac – 10 again? Would that be something you would be interested in? (I know that this line has been tossed around more than Paris Hilton in the last few weeks, but much like Paris, I couldn’t be the only guy not to get his shot!) Okay, with the cheap transition out of the way, let’s talk “Entourage” for the last time this season.
As a preliminary matter, let me first say that I won’t be posing the traditional 5 questions arising from this week’s episode of “Entourage”. Why? It’s simple really. I refuse to acknowledge what happened at the end of this week’s episode. Since I won’t acknowledge the ending, I have to completely dismiss everything that led up to it. Therefore, much like last year’s Emerald Bowl and this year’s Braves’ season, Sunday night’s episode of “Entourage” never happened. But, even though the last episode didn’t happen, the season did. Therefore, let’s take a minute to reflect.
Even the biggest “Entourage” apologist (me) has to admit that there is no way to view this season as anything but a disappointment. Of course, there were some highlights: the high school party, the threesome, and the Vegas trip (I still haven’t stopped laughing about Seth Green’s Jackson Pollock reference). On the whole, however, the show reminded me of Greg Maddux over the last three seasons. I mean, it’s still a hall of famer, it is still capable of the occasional greatness, but ultimately it just don’t have the same juice it once did.
It seemed as if the writers simply got confused this season. It’s as if they decided that it was important to interject conflict and drama into the show to take it to some new level. What they don’t seem to realize, however, is that this show was already functioning at the highest possible level it could. Until this season, the writers knew what they had: thirty minutes a week to make every man in America that doesn’t get paid to be in movies or play sports envious of four dudes from Queens. As I’ve said before, the formula for success was simple: recreational drug and alcohol use + irresponsible spending + ridiculously hot chicks + tons of Ari = Gold (Ah yes, that was intentional). But, it seems Gold wasn’t good enough, and in Season 3, they reached for platinum, only to come up well short. Not to worry though, if they just revert back to the simple formula, it shouldn’t be hard to mount a strong resurgence in Season 4.
With all that said, I must say one last thing before putting this season to bed: If Ari goes, I go. Seriously, this isn’t even debatable.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Here’s how I see it breaking down:
With only one team ranked in the Top 10 in any preseason polls (Ohio State), it would seem that the only question to ask is whether anybody can beat Ohio State? Well, as a preliminary matter, I think we can assume that Northwestern, Indiana, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, and Purdue can’t. (Actually, Purdue is lucky enough to avoid Ohio State on the schedule) Sure, I could sit here and make arguments as to how each of these teams, on a given Saturday, could muster what it takes to pull off the shocker, but I think we all know that I’d be wrong. And, as you should know by now, I HATE being wrong, so let’s just skip that whole process. Instead, let’s dismiss these teams from the discussion. And, for that matter, let’s go ahead and dismiss Michigan State too. Why? Do you trust Drew Stanton? I didn’t think so. That being said, let’s take a look at the three teams that might actually be able to challenge OSU for the Big Ten Crown: Iowa, Penn State, and Michigan.
Iowa - The Hawkeyes have four huge positives heading into this season: Quarterback Drew Tate, tailback Albert Young, Head Coach Kirk Ferentz, and a tremendous home field advantage. Tate is a senior coming off a huge season where he threw for nearly 3,000 yards, 22 touchdowns, and only 7 picks. Not to mention he’s evidently a hell of a golfer. This off-season, Tate aced a par 3 in a charity tournament, but he had to forego the $25K prize because of NCAA rules. Just another example of the NCAA doing everything it can to protect the “student athlete”. As for Young, he ran for over 1,300 yards in his sophomore campaign, and he’s poised to pick up right where he left off. Ferentz is widely regarded as one of the top offensive minds in America, and he will undoubtedly make his way to the NFL before long. And finally, as for that home field advantage, the Big 10 is the only place in America where 100,000 people can congregate and make less noise than your typical Southern Baptist congregation. Well, Kinnick Stadium is one of the very few exceptions to the general lack of passion in the Big 10. While only seating just north of 70,000, Kinnick can get down right raucous, and those 70,000 can make a difference.
So, with all those factors working in their favor, the Hawkeyes have a legitimate chance to make this a special season. They will be 4-0 when the Buckeyes come to town on September 30 at 8 P.M. ET. Can they beat the Buckeyes? Yes. Will they? No. Why? Quite simply it’s because if they win this game, the Hawkeyes will only have one legitimate obstacle between them an undefeated season, at Michigan on October 21. So, you have to ask yourself: can you actually imagine Iowa going undefeated? Me neither. Hawkeye fans should go ahead and make their reservations for Tampa or Orlando for New Year’s Day.
Penn State - I’m going to keep this brief. New Quarterback + 93 old head coach + Ohio State in Columbus = No chance. Okay, maybe Joe Pa isn’t 93, but when you get north of 70 does it really matter? Last year was great for Joe Pa, and with the Big 10 making the Pac 10 look strong, PSU could win 9 games again, but they won’t beat OSU, and they won’t go back to the BCS.
Michigan - If you believe what you read, Michigan better win the Big 10 or Lloyd Carr is going to be joining Bob Davie and John Cooper in the broadcast booth. Well, if that is his fate, Lloyd may have the schedule makers to blame. They start the season against a pesky Vandy team at home, then they go on the road to N.D. in week three, followed by a road trip to Penn State a few weeks later, followed by Iowa at home the next week, and then they close the season at Ohio State. Ouch! Here’s the funny thing: Michigan could very well beat Ohio State, but still lose the Big 10. The fact of the matter is that they have five easily losable games on the schedule (N.D., Michigan St., PSU, Iowa, and OSU). The teams that are good enough to win their leagues never have more than one or two games on their schedule that cause you to say “they could lose that one.” So, Michigan isn’t going to win the Big 10. Just put that out of your mind. But, we all know that the Michigan/OSU game is one of those very few games where you really can throw out the records. We hear the saying all the time, but it’s only really true for a handful of games: The Iron Bowl, FSU/Miami, FSU/Florida, and Michigan/OSU. That’s it. There are at least a dozen other match-ups ESPN tries to sale with this pitch every year, but don’t buy it. In all those other games (GT/UGA included) the better team wins 9 out of 10 times. But when it comes to Michigan/OSU, you really never know. I mean, why do you think the aforementioned John Cooper is doing color commentary on ESPN 12 these days? So, ultimately, the Wolverines may very well ruin a dream season for the Buckeyes, but it will only be enough for them to share a charter with the Hawkeyes to Central Florida for New Year’s. And, unfortunately for the coach of the 1997 Co-National Champions, that’s probably going to lead to an extended golf season next year.
At the end of the day, as much as I hate to be predictable, I’m taking the chalk in the Big 10. I’m a big believer in Jim Tressell, Troy Smith, Ted Ginn Jr., and I’m a big believer in the Buckeye defense (even without the guy that sees Brady Quinn’s sister naked)! I think they will take out Texas in week two, and I think they will survive their date in Iowa City on September 30. Therefore, when they finally host the Wolverines on November 18, I think the only thing at issue for the Buckeyes will be whether they will be making a return to Tempe, or if they will just be representing the Big 10 in the Rose Bowl?
Thursday, August 24, 2006
That's not my bag baby!
"One warranty card, filled out by Austin Powers..."
Maybe that's why I didn't understand those cows in Mexico.
Those of you with kids might like this music. The Metallica samples are my favorite.
Thoughts on Blogging
This has been an interesting week, and I've learned a lot. The primary lesson is that blogging can be a pain in the ass. Today's entry is short because work came up yesterday, and the wife and I are trying to get out of town for the weekend. As much as I'd like to toss an airball, I've got five fans that depend on me. I know the feeling; I depend on the WAD to keep me from jumping out a window every day at work. That's a lot of pressure, keeping people from suicide.
All told, it's much easier to be the Stunt Cock (from Orgazmo) than it is to come up with this on a daily basis. Big ups to the WAD and his mystical muse Chester Cheetah.
My baseball team sucks, so I'm pretty much killing time until I can dominate our football league. About the only interesting thing going on in our baseball league is the million dollar question: will Stats crawl out from the cellar? He's made some progress lately, and he might not finish last.
Every now and then you learn something that goes against everything you thought you knew. Case in point, this article by Jason Whitlock. In it, he says that MLB and NBA contracts are not guaranteed because of labor negotiations; they are guaranteed because the agents got the owners to agree. He points out that there are several MLB and NBA contracts that are not guaranteed. I had no idea. Here I was thinking that if I just got to the bigs my contract would be guaranteed. Now that dream is shattered.
If anybody has anything interesting to say, post it or e-mail it to me and I'll stick it up the WAD. If you don't have my e-mail address, that means that I don't like you. Sorry.
And finally, R.I.P. Pluto. I'll miss you homie.
Have a nice day.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Survivor is dividing the tribes by race.
Anybody wonder what happened to Harold Reynolds?
I know some of you want more Snakes on a Plane. Beware of snakes in a theater.
Thirsty? Have a Sly.
Just what every funeral needs: strippers.
Jack Black has a new movie coming out.
So, how long have you been a black quarterback?
On the way back from Oklahoma, I listened to the audio version of Sir Charles' book I May Be Wrong But I Doubt It. In it, he briefly addresses race in the NFL. Specifically, the lack of black quarterbacks.
Charles says that Warren Moon really brought things into focus. He said "Charles, you see the racism against black quarterbacks most clearly in that there aren't very many 3rd string black quarterbacks." Moon's point was that if you are a black quarterback, you better be good enough to start or there's no place for you. He went on to say that there are a few 2nd string black quarterbacks (or "blackups" my term for black backups. Pretty clever if you ask me.) Moon said that you see former starters as blackups, but that teams aren't willing to take on a 3rd string black "project" to develop for the future.
This book was written in 2002, but I thought I'd check out Moon's claim. I went to each NFL team's official website and looked at their current depth charts. Keep in mind, final cuts have not been made so some of these figures may change.
Currently, the NFL has 6 black starting quarterbacks: Culpepper, McNair, Leftwich, Brooks, McNabb, and Vick. There are 5 blackups: Anthony Wright, Charlie Batch, David Garrard, Vince Young, and Seneca Wallace. Four of the blackups fit Moon's description: Wright started 14 games for the Ravens; Batch started 46 games for the Lions; Garrard is highly regarded and is seen as a potential starter, even though he's only started 8 games; Young was a high draft pick, and he'll probably start some this year; Wallace is the lone exception, having never started a game.
Maybe Moon's on to something, there are only 5 third string black quarterbacks: Cleo Lemon (Dolphins); Shaun King (Colts); Quinn Gray (Jags, the only team with all black quarterbacks); Jason Campbell (Redskins); and Bryan Randall (Falcons).
For two of them, Warren was right: King used to start and Campbell probably will. Randall was an undrafted free agent, a project the Falcons have signed and released several times. Lemon has only played in one game in three years, and he also seems like a project.
So it looks like Moon might be on to something. There's tons of shitty white quarterbacks riding the pine, but I can only find two shitty black third stringers. Maybe you do have to be good enough to start to make it as a black quarterback in the NFL.
One other possibility, however, is that colleges don't have black quarterbacks running pro-style offenses. There are only so many Mike Vicks and Vince Youngs in the world. Most NFL QBs rely on their arm rather than legs.
So I'd like to open it up to discussion. Who are the black quarterbacks you thought should have made it in the NFL, but didn't? There must be several recent black quarterbacks that are good enough to be third string.
I'll start the discussion with Michael Bishop. He had a great career with Kansas State, finishing second in the Heisman and striking fear in defenses across the Big XII. He also had an absolute cannon. When he was with the Pats they brought him out for Hail Marys because his arm was stronger than Bledsoe's, which is saying something.
One last thought on the NFL and race: name 5 current white running backs (or, put another way, name 4 white running backs other than Mike Alstott). Good luck.
Have a nice day.
Who is the greatest INDIVIDUAL athlete ever?
Now, by definition, an individual athlete does not participate in team sports. And, for practical reasons, we should probably limit the discussion to 1900-present.
Personally, I think it's absurd to say one person is the best individual athlete ever. This would be like saying someone is the best author or painter. We're all biased toward those that perform at a high level in an activity we are interested in. But just because it's a crazy argument shouldn't stop us; we all have plenty of time to kill at work today.
I'll start the debate with someone Gene mentions in the article: Carl Lewis. As an individual (not counting his relay medals) big Carl won 7 gold and 1 silver Olympic medals. He also won 5 gold, 1 silver and 1 bronze individual World Championship medals (and, at the time, the World Championships were held every four years). Perhaps Carl's most impressive feat is 4 consecutive Olympic gold medals in the long jump.
Of course Carl has his negatives: singing the national anthem and posing in high heels. But his accomplishments can't be denied, and he is at least equal to El Tigre.
I've got a few others, but I'll wait to post them. I'd like to hear what everybody else thinks.
Have a nice day.
As a married man, I've been trained well enough to know a few things about weddings that my fraternity brother did not. First, have a gift for your wife on your wedding day. His wife gave him a gift and he had nothing. Talk about your awkward moments. Second, if your fiance asks you not to play a song at the reception, don't play the damn song. The song in question was Boomer Sooner, and she was mucho pissed. But I digress.
I had some time to kill Friday before the rehearsal, so my brother and I decided to catch the 10:40 A.M. showing of Snakes on a Plane. To set the scene, there were exactly four other people in the theater. We were the only two laughing.
Snakes opens with a token white guy witnessing a murder in Hawaii. He sees an Asian mobster beat a prosecutor to death with a baseball bat. The mobsters know there was a witness, and they send in some dudes to take the white guy out. Enter Big Sam Jackson. Sam saves the white guy's ass, then tells him that he must travel to Los Angeles to testify about the murder. Lawyers might ask "why do you have to testify in Los Angeles when the murder took place in Hawaii?" This type of question is right up there with "how come Rambo never has to reload?" They are both completely irrelevant.
For whatever reason, white boy has to testify in LA and he has to get there rightnow. Sam sets up a decoy private jet, trying to throw the Asians off. Sam must not remember high school: them Asians are smart. They see Sam loading honkey on a redeye commercial flight. Seconds later the Asians are loading a crate of snakes on the plane.
Sam and the witness board first, and they commandeer the entire first class cabin. As everyone else is boarding, the flight attendants give out leis. I've been to Hawaii twice. Both times, I got a lei on arrival. When I left they didn't give me a damn thing.
But, in the movies, you get a lei when you leave Hawaii. This time, however, those crafty Asian mobsters coated the leis with a special pheromone. This pheromone drives the snakes into a frenzy and makes them hyper aggressive.
All this takes place during the first 20 minutes of the movie. During the twenty first minute the box of snakes opens. The next hour is people getting bit by snakes. There were several notable bites:
1. A topless girl gets bit on the nipple.
2. A guy gets bit on the dick while taking a leak.
3. A snake crawls up a sleeping woman's skirt, causing her to moan with delight.
4. Two people get bit on the ass (with the inevitable "suck the poison out" scene).
The rest of the bites were garden variety eye, neck, and face shots. Toward the very end, an anaconda appeared. One of the passengers threw a chihuahua at it, which the snake ate. Then the snake ate the passenger that threw the dog. High comedy.
Finally, Sam's had enough: "I'm tired of these motherfuckin' snakes on my motherfuckin' plane." Sam's got a plan. He tells everybody to buckle up, then he shoots out a few windows. A chunk of the wall blows out, and all of the snakes get sucked out of the plane.
Then the movie is over. That's it. No Asian trial, no nothing. All we get left with is Sam and the white guy each getting a flight attendant to go on a date.
So, what's the final rating? Well, the movie had the potential to be a first ballot hall of famer: it had Sam Jackson and a nekkid woman. Unfortunately, it fell short. Fite's advice: wait for it on HBO, it will be much funnier for free after several Beam and Cokes.
Shout out to Stats for this link, a sneak preview of Snakes on a Plane 2. Beware of unauthorized movies, however.
Have a nice day.
Monday, August 21, 2006
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo
Just like Eminem, I plan to tear this mothafuckin roof off like 2 dogs caged. Welcome to the WAF.
It's quite an honor to get the keys to the WAD. Just like 'Melo, I'd like to begin by thanking myself for putting in the effort that got me to this point.
Today's post will be brief, I've actually got quite a bit of work to do and the internet isn't working well. Without further ado, here's the links of the day:
Isn't this why men have two hands?
Vines has a new favorite place to eat.
Here's the promotional teaser of what you can expect on this week's WAF. Since I don't have HBO, tomorrow's Television Tuesday will be a review of Snakes on a Plane. Later in the week we'll cover Tiger, baseball pennant races, and analyze some of Charles Barkley's comments from I Might be Wrong, But I Doubt It.
Have a nice day.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
If you could choose one current college football coach to take over and run your school's program, who would you choose?
That's it. Nothing complicated. Just imagine it's a perfect world and you can have whoever you want. Who would it be? Spurrier? Stoops? Weiss? Carroll? Richt? Bowden? Paterno? Tressel? Tuberville? Beamer? Or, would it be some up and comer like Karl Dorrell, Mike Stoops, Randy Edsall, Kurt Ferentz, or Urban Meyer? No rules, you can have anybody you want.
Let The Great Debate Begin!
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I always try to make sure I give credit where credit is due, and I’ve got to give mad props to my boy, Vines, for his dead on “Entourage” predictions. Weeks ago, Vines predicted that there would be no way that Turtle’s success would become a main focus of the show, and he also predicted that Vince would come out of his Hollywood Foreign Press debacle smelling like a rose. Granted, I don’t think we are dealing with the next Nostradamus, but after last night’s episode, it appears obvious that Vines was dead on when it comes to this season of “Entourage.” I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not disappointed that Turtle is back to being no more than Vince’s driver. Granted, he’s now Vince’s driver with $40K in cash in his pocket, but he’s still just a driver. But, in the long run, as Vines said weeks ago, the long term health of the show is definitely better off with Vince carrying the load for the entire group. (Based on the previews for next week’s episode, it appears that Drama’s return to career disaster is only a week away.)
Speaking of Vince, I can’t even begin to rationally discuss the absurdity of this guy’s life. I mean, he wakes up in the morning, rolls out to the bookstore, spends the afternoon getting to know a smoking hot engaged chick in the Biblical sense, and then stumbles his way into his next movie that happens to be produced by a legendary producer. Yea, he’s certainly done a lot lately to deserve this kind of luck. The real kick in the balls is that you just know that there are really guys in Hollywood that live like this. There’s got to be a reason Collin Ferrell always looks exhausted. Okay, so maybe that’s the booze and Quaaludes, but you get the point. Alright, that’s enough babbling, so let’s move onto the five questions:
1) I understand the j.v. writing squad was involved last night, but is it too hard for even them to come up with original material? I, of course, am referring to the fact that the scene with drama being held over the balcony was a direct rip off of Vanilla Ice’s legendary tale of Suge Knight doing the same thing to him. This was so bad that I even saw it coming when they stepped out on the balcony. Even worse may have been the fact that the writers played out “the list” scene without giving a nod to its origin on “Friends.” Just two reprehensible mistakes. I’m pretty sure that not even Puff Daddy/Puffy/P. Diddy/Diddy ever ripped anybody off this blatantly.
2) Am I the only person that can never look at Martin Landau again without seeing Professor Petrovsky? I’m sorry, but he’ll always be the man that saved Mike McD’s ass to me. I have nothing else to say about this. I just thought it was important that you know. “Gin…always gin!”
3) Anybody else notice that Turtle has made $50K in cash over the past two weeks for hanging out with strippers and not signing a rapper to a deal? It’s official, I would trade lives with Turtle. I’ve never felt more depressed.
4) Can we get a little more Mrs. Ari? Listen, I’m not a huge fan of when the show focuses on Ari’s home life, but I need a little dose of Mrs. Ari from time to time. She’s elevated herself right behind Cheryl Hines as the sexiest not really sexy woman on t.v. You know what I’m saying? You go out to midtown Atlanta, or to Underbar in Union Square on any given Saturday night, and you are likely to see dozens of girls hotter than either Mrs. Ari (her real name is Perrey Reeves) or Mrs. David, but for some reason none of them are even close to as sexy as these ladies. Okay, I’m pretty sure that I’m not making any sense right now, so instead of digging myself a 20 foot hole trying to explain myself, I’m going to move on.
5) Does Hollywood actually have any good script ideas, or are they all destined to end up as imaginary movies on “Entourage”? First there was “Aquaman” (admittedly, this didn’t seem that cool at first), then “Medellin” (this move MUST be made), and now, “I Wanna Be Sedated”. Honestly, this is a movie I would love to see. You always hear about how influential The Ramones were, and you know a few of their songs, but you don’t really know much more than that. In other words, you know just enough, and you don’t know just enough to make this a movie that you would have to see. It would be a sure fire hit. Would somebody please give me a Hollywood studio to run? I promise the world would be a better place.
Monday, August 14, 2006
- As much as I am jonesing for football, I just can’t bring myself to watch preseason football. I tried to watch the Falcons/Pats game Friday night, and I just couldn’t do it. It’s like going on a date and knowing within ten minutes that your clothes are definitely not coming off. I mean, you can still have a good time for a little while, but you can’t help but get bored in a hurry.
- In case you hadn’t noticed, Coach K and the U.S. Basketball team are taking care of business. They blew out Lithuania Saturday, and no matter how much the pundits, especially ESPN.com’s Chris Sheridan, try to tell you otherwise, this team is going to cruise through the World Championships. Seriously, do you really think anybody in the world can match up with Lebron, D. Wade, and ‘Melo? I hope the rest of the world enjoyed 2004, because the U.S. dominance is back.
- Roger Federer upped his record to 62-4 this year. Is he the Tiger Woods of tennis? I’m asking because I have never watched him play. In fact, I’d be more likely to watch a WNBA game than a mens’ tennis match that didn’t involve Andre Agassi. So, I guess it’s safe to say that The WAD isn’t where you can expect to see constant updates on the upcoming U.S. Open.
- By the way, the Braves are still only 6 games out of the Wild Card. This is starting to border on torture. I’ve had root canals that were less painful than this baseball season.
- For all those of you keeping score at home, with the official news that Nick Lachey is dating Vanessa Minillo he has officially won the battle with Jessica in a TKO. There are few women in the world that are indisputably hotter than Jessica Simpson. Well, it so happens that Vanessa Minillo is one of them. And yes, I would trade lives with Lachey right now, no questions asked.
- Speaking of guys I would trade lives with, how about Jamie Gold? He goes from being a big time Hollywood agent (repping James Gandolfini, Lucy Liu, and other stars) to winning $12 million at the World Series of Poker. In other words, it doesn’t suck to be Jamie Gold.
- Finally, I’ve had this conversation with several friends this weekend: How great is the new ESPN Mobile commercial with Reggie Bush? Simply fantastic comedy. And, speaking of Bush, how many people in Houston lit themselves on fire when Reggie ripped off that 44 yard run Saturday night? I’m guessing more than a few.
Friday, August 11, 2006
It must be a slow day in sports when the Tour de Oxnard gets this much press. Today's USA Today quoted the "Idiot Kicker" as saying "I came...with the expectation I'm not going to judge T.O. until I've met him and gotten a feel for what kind of guy he is. Just because of what people say about him doesn't make it true....Until he screws up, I'm going to keep him on my good side." T.O. must be sleeping better knowing the kicker has his back.
In other football news, Jerome Bettis will be on NBC's NFL coverage this year. His first quote (again from today's USA TODAY): "I'm concerned about coach Cowher and his ability to stay focused. Is this a lame-duck year? He's the glue. If he's not motivated the same type of way, it will be difficult for this team to stay together." Wow. Way to call out the coach that got your fat ass a Super Bowl ring. The quote might be explained by the fact that, and no, I'm not kidding, Bettis said he was getting commentary advice from Steven A. Smith.
One last thought, I'd like everyone to know that Hasim Rahman and Oleg Maskaev are fighting for the WBC Heavyweight title on Saturday. It's being billed as "America's Last Line of Defense" because if Rahman loses then all heavyweight belts will be held by people from the former USSR (including the manimal Nikolay Valuev). Americans have typically dominated the heavyweight division, and a Rahman loss will lead to one of the few times an American hasn't held the belt.
Interestingly, Maskaev is a little pissed about the press about America v. Russia, as he became an American citizen two years ago.
Enjoy the weekend, I'll post intersting links as I find them.
Bill Simmons's female fantasy league is really happening.
I don't understand the problem here, plenty of golfers use a camera to review their stroke.
It might have taken a while, but Georgia voters have finally come to their senses.
This one's for 5 Aces. The reason poker doesn't get any blog time is that it just isn't interesting to talk about. I'll watch it all day, but in the end I've got nothing to say about it.
Lendale White follows in the footsteps of Romo and Albert Belle.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
1. Not posting on a day I'm bored at work.
2. Teaching me how to post last week.
This is an unauthorized posting, and a troubling sign of how far I'll go to entertain myself.
Today is a pretty slow day in sports, but there are a few things worth looking at. First, HBO is starting production on another season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Second, Big Mo C has a decision to make: $5 mil or staying in the pokey.
I always wanted to see a statue of Hillary Clinton.
This one's for you, Colby.
Here's a little something for the Hawks fans.
Dwayne Jarrett is eligible to play ball this year. I'm interested to hear what people think about this. I have no problem with him paying reduced rent to leave in Leinart's apartment. For that matter, the older Leinart could have given Jarrett a car. I don't think the NCAA has any business telling a player's parents what they can and can't do for other players on the team. When Chrissy Simms was with the Longhorns, he had his receivers out to his parents' house in NJ over the summers to work on routes. I don't know who paid for the flights, or the hotel/food, and it doesn't matter. That's something that the parents should be able to do for their kids.
Have a nice day.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
So, enough with the big introduction and explanation. Here’s the first edition of The Great Debate:
In his thirteen seasons as the Head Coach for the University of Tennessee, Phillip Fulmer has racked up a staggering resume. He is the winningest active coach in college football with a .799 winning percentage. Over the past ten years, UT has won more games than any other program in the SEC. In his tenure, the Vols have won two SEC titles, a national title, and six SEC East titles. In addition, Fulmer has sent 72 players into the NFL draft, including 12 first rounders. Not to mention, the Vols have played in 11 January bowl games under Fulmer, including three BCS Games.
Sounds pretty amazing on paper doesn’t it? Well, the reality, however, is that all is not so rosy in Knoxvegas for the Big Pumpkin. What the numbers above don’t tell you is that UT hasn’t won the SEC since its national title season of 1998, and the Vols haven’t made their way to a BCS game since the 1999 season. Then, last year, with what many people viewed as his most talented team to date, Fulmer and the Vols stumbled their way to a 5-6 season, including a humiliating loss to Vandy in Neyland Stadium. As a result, Fulmer now finds himself firmly planted on the hot seat. And yes, that is a very large seat.
Now, considering everything above, the first question up for your consideration is actually a two parter:
1) Does Fulmer deserve to be on the hot seat; and
2) What do the Vols have to do this year to save his job?
Let the Great Debate begin.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
1) How much money does Vince really have? I know we’ve been over this before, but when this guy starts saying things like, “I don’t want to lose more than $500K”, you have to scratch your head. I mean, this guy has made one hit movie, just got fired by one major studio, just alienated another, lives in a $4 million house, bought three Aston Martins, four Italian motorcycles, a case full of diamonds for his Mother, and an apartment, Hummer, and multiple high dollar hookers for his ex-con buddy! Oh, and he personally supports his half brother and two best friends! Is it just me or would this guy be better off with Don King as his financial advisor?
2) Is Drama in the closet? I mean, I know he turned down Ken’s offer, but you have to admit that everything he said and did leading up to that point made you wonder. Seriously, what man in his right mind thinks it’s normal to insist that another man come back to your room and rub you down before you go to sleep? Not that there is anything wrong with that.
3) How would you have reacted if you had $300K on the table and the guy next to you split Kings? I can’t speak for everybody, but I do know that I would have made Ari’s reaction look tame. As this scene was unfolding, I had to stop myself from going through the television screen. In fact, even though everything worked out for Vince and Ari, I’m still furious, because I just know that I will be sitting next to some moron sometime in the near future that is going to remember this scene and decide it’s a good idea to split Kings. Let me be very clear about this: Unless you are playing at a table by yourself, you should NEVER split tens. If you do, the other players at the table can murder you with complete immunity. If you think I’m joking, you should know that the last time I was in Vegas, I had $25 on the table and the guy sitting on third base hit a 13 when the dealer was showing a 5, and I actually looked at him and asked, “are you f*cking retarded?” Now, I’m a pretty rational guy that typically goes out of his way not to piss people off, but it took every bit of self control I had not to break my empty glass over his head. The point? If you are going to play Blackjack, please know what the hell you are doing when you sit down. I can forgive just about anything in the world, but moronic play at the Blackjack table is something I just can’t forgive.
4) Is there any doubt that those guys hanging with Seth Green are his boys in real life? Not only am I absolutely positive that these are his boys, but I am absolutely positive that this was the highlight of their lives. I’ve got to tell you, there are plenty of dudes in Hollywood that I would be okay with being a member of their posse, but Seth Green? I just don’t think I could live with myself.
5) Did the boys have any choice but to throw down with Seth and his boys? Of course not. It’s often said that the only certainties in life are death and taxes. Well, I think it’s fair to say that we can add the following to that list: If some guy makes reference to your boy’s girlfriends’ face and a Jackson Pollock in the same breath, you have no choice but to kill him where he stands. I would hope we can all agree on that. That being said, I think it’s only fair to admit that this was the most devastating insult I’ve ever heard. So, I guess we have to give Seth some credit.
Finally, this episode registered a perfect 10 on the “how much I hate my life” meter. Sure, I was excited that the show returned to its proven formula. At the end of the day, however, I just pray to God that one day I have the chance to lose $300K on one Blackjack hand. And yes, I realize that I have a significant problem.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Let me start the week off by sending a big “Boomer” out to Fite in appreciation for him taking care of The WAD last Thursday and Friday in my absence. As always, solid work from the Oklahoma City Kid. Now, my schedule has loosened up, and you are once again stuck with me. And, as we start another week, here’s what’s on my mind:
- Chalk up another historical accomplishment for Tiger. With his four consecutive 66’s at the Buick, he’s now the youngest golfer to ever reach 50 career wins. The accomplishment is even more remarkable when you consider that he has only entered 198 career events. In other words, Tiger wins more than a quarter of the events he enters. That is simply staggering. In fact, I’m not sure any other athlete has ever been this dominant for so long. I’m open to suggestions, but except for M.J., nobody even comes close in my mind. To put it in perspective, Tiger has been a professional for 10 full years, and he’s won 50 tournaments. Phil Mickelson, probably the second best player of this generation, has spent 14 years on tour and won only 29 tournaments. Also, when you consider that Tiger only plays a handful of tournaments other than the majors, his success is even more mind boggling.
- Last Monday, I told you about my bowling adventures of last weekend. Well, this weekend, I somehow found myself back on the lanes. This time around, however, I had indulged in more than a few adult beverages before rolling. The result? I threw up the highest score of my life (163). The lesson? Jim Beam makes everything better. It’s really that simple.
- Somehow, someway, the Braves are still only 5.5 games out of the Wild Card. This entire season is bordering on cruel and unusual punishment. I mean, we are awful. We may have the worst pitching in the National League, but we are hanging around just enough to keep me emotionally invested. I’m not sure how it will all eventually play out, but I do know with complete certainty that it’s not going to end well for me. There is just no way it can.
- First Lance Bass announces he’s gay, and then Floyd Landis’ B sample comes back positive. I just don’t think I can handle any more shocking revelations. What’s next? Is somebody going to tell me the Braves tried to unload Andruw Jones on waivers?
- Rumor has it that Isiah and the Knicks might be interested in adding Darius Miles to their sinking ship. Why not? I think a chronically underachieving malcontent that is guaranteed $8.25 million next year is just what the Knicks need to turn things around. In all sincerity, you have to start wondering how bad it must get before David Stern has no choice but to have Isiah…uh…dealt with?
- The first USA Today/ESPN college football poll has been released, and Ohio State is the overwhelming choice for Number 1, with Texas coming in at #2. I, however, was more interested in the fact that 5 teams on Tech’s schedule are ranked in the top 18. Hey, I would be worried if we didn’t have Reggie Ball coming back for his fourth year at quarterback! What’s amazing is that I almost typed that entire sentence without throwing up in my mouth…almost!
- Finally, last night, my buddy Dave and I headed up to Phipps to take in “Talladega Nights.” I went in with big expectations. How couldn’t I? The trailer, and all the Youtube clips are hilarious, so I was pretty sure that Dave and I were in store for 100 minutes of non stop laughter. Well, the laughs weren’t as constant as I expected, but they were still plentiful. Will Ferrell’s delivery is impeccable, and his physical comedy is outrageous without going overboard. At the end of the day, because some of the supporting performances weren’t exactly strong, and some scenes just didn’t work as well as they could have, I’d grade “Nights” out at a B+. I, however, felt the same way about “Anchorman” the first time I saw it, but after seeing it for a second time (and about 12 more times after that), it is now an undisputed A+ in my book. I’ve got a sneaky feeling that “Nights” is only going to get better with each additional viewing.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Last year I drove back to Norman to watch the first game of the year. The crowd was excited, we were highly ranked (for no good reason, most of us knew that) and optimistic that Stoops would have another good year. Then Paul Thompson took the field against TCU. Two fumbles and an interception later he got pulled in favor of Bomar, and we lost the game. Not quite the start we imagined from our multi-year backup. Thompson rode the pine the rest of the year, but now he has a chance for one shining moment.
I've got faith in Thompson's ability, and I think he has a good chance to be a successful qb like Jamele Holloway and Charles Thompson. I would be disappointed if his career turned out like OU's mid-90's "superfastqb." Some of you know who I'm talking about.
Q: So, Paul, are you and Charles Thompson brothers?
A: I'm not sure how to answer that. I guess I would say yes and no.
I think the real issue this year will be in the booth. Losing Chuck Long was huge, and I don't think people will really appreciate how good he was until about halfway through the season (gambler alert: keep an eye on San Diego State). With Bomar we were going to have a power running game that set up mid to deep passes. After what I saw against TCU, Thompson has no touch on the deep ball. He consistently misssed wide open receivers. How will the new staff react?
We can't give it to Peterson every play, defenses will stack the box and kill him. We also can't turn to an option offense, as Peterson is more effective with a deep set powering toward the line. I think, ultimately, we'll be forced to turn to a gimmick short game passing attack. Not quite to the degree we had when Mike Leach was calling our plays, but we're going to have to keep it short. In addition to Thompson's arm, we have to keep it short because our line sucks, and they can't protect a deep drop.
Nerd Alert: I spent all day yesterday at a continuing legal education class, and I will be doing the same today. There's not many worse ways to spend a day. The theme of this conference is "Future's so bright, I've got to wear shades." Between every presenter they play a short 1980's -90's song clip (such as Blame it on the Rain before a presentation on Katrina). Anyway, the whole day sucked.
After the last presentation, they said that we had a special performer. The dude from Timbuk3 comes on stage with his guitar and harmonica to play "Future's so bright..." We were told, I shit you not, that he flew down from Seattle to play this one song and we weren't even paying him, just covering expenses.
The crowd sat in stunned silence looking at this washed up loser. He then proceeded to tune his guitar and play with the amps for the next 10 MINUTES. By this time, everyone was about as uncomfortable as you can get. He transformed the song from a catchy upbeat tune into a Nirvana-esque slow drawl, punctuated with occassional high pitched screams. It was one of the worst things I've ever seen, and I loved every minute of it.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Over the past few weeks I've been getting more and more excited about football season. I've entered a fantasy league and read several Big XII previews. Then I got blindsided when OU's quarterback got dismissed from the team.
Maybe I'll have the energy to talk about it tomorrow, but not today. Today I feel like a guy out walking his dog enjoying life. Then the secret police came and beat my dog to death. Sometimes part of being a sports fan is learning how to bend over and take it. The worst part is living in Austin and watching local sportscasters blow their load over the news.
So, what does Fite do to cheer himself up (other than refer to himself in the third person)?
First, I get my daily dose of Flavor Flav.
Then I study the teachings of a wise man.
After getting my learn on I head to the bathroom.
Feeling refreshed, I take a moment to decide what I will have for lunch.
Every afternoon I take a moment for charity.
Sorry, my phone is ringing. I have to take this call.
Yesterday Vines made the comment that I would complain at a Hanukkah party. I would never complain so long as they provide a little entertainment. Jews definitely know how to party.
So, as for Vines, Er zol kakn mit blit un mit ayter. (Courtesy of www.insultmonger.com).
Much like the mysterious WAD, I'll be out of the office all day and away from the computer. Enjoy the links and I'll try to come up with something better tomorrow.
Even though it was only 21 minutes, this week’s episode did manage to tie up a few loose ends and get us past some lingering storylines, as well as give us some memorable moments. For example, it didn’t take long for us to figure out how Terrance planned to screw Ari out of his $11 million in one of the funnier scenes of the season. Watching Ari’s squirm until he finally exploded at the meeting of the “five families” was more than a little enjoyable. Fortunately, Ellen Griswold was there to step in and save the day for Ari. Also, even though you knew it was coming, it was nice to see Drama book the Ed Burns pilot. Not to mention, it’s nice to know that Lloyd has 10,000 yen coming his way. All the news, of course, wasn’t good for the Boys. Let’s just say that we’ve long suspected that Vince was a moron, and now we know it.
So, with Drama finding work, E fresh off a threesome with two chicks at least 6 levels out of his league, and Turtle on the verge of a career as a rap mogul (I guess), it appears the only one of the boys with any issues is the one guy that should never have any problems, Vince. On the bright side, I’m sure Turtle will let Vince drive him around when Saigon blows up.
Enough about this week’s episode, let’s ask the hard questions:
1) How long until Babs really wants a piece of Ari? Sure, she was just joking this time around, but you know this is going to happen. The only real question is if Ari has seen the shower scene in “Vacation”. If he has, there is no way he says no. This actually falls under what I like to call the Stevie Nicks Rule: there are some women that no matter how old they are, no matter how large they have gotten, or even if they have no bones left in their nose because they have done so much blow, if you have the opportunity you simply HAVE to take it. Well, Mrs. Griswold is one of those women.
2) Do you think that 8 years ago, after “Saving Private Ryan”, Ed Burns thought he would be pumped to get a cameo on a 21 minute long HBO sitcom? Me neither. Let’s just say that “The Groomsmen” wasn’t exactly “Aquaman”.
3) Is Vince a socialist? At least this would explain why he seems hell bent on ruining any chance he has of making any more money in Hollywood. Would somebody please tackle this guy and duct tape his mouth shut?
4) Speaking of Vince’s self destruction, what the hell is it that his manager is supposed to do? I mean, call me nuts, but I’m thinking a good manager wouldn’t just sit there and say “do what you got to do” when his client is on his way to alienate his second studio in two weeks. I’m not sure about this, but I figure that at this rate Vince should have himself completely out of the business in less than a month. This is just further proof that E is a putz.
5) I’m only asking one more time: Where is Saigon? This is the best potential storyline of the season, and the writers have totally buried it. I just really don’t know what else I can say about this.
Finally, this week’s episode only registered a meager 5 on the “how much I hate my life” meter. This may actually be an all time low. It, however, would have been even lower had it not been for Ari’s performance at the dinner meeting. Don’t worry though, next week the boys are headed to Vegas. No way this can miss…I hope!
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Thanks to the internet, we have access to many different proposition bets. You can bet on everything from the coin flip to the longest field goal, and everything in between. You can even bet on female sports such as basketball and the Tour de France. The great thing about gambling is the instant gratification/anger over winning or losing. No matter which way a bet goes, you get instant feedback.
The casinos and bookies don't care about poor officiating. They might agree with you that Miami did not commit pass interference against Ohio State in overtime, but if you bet on Miami they aren't giving you a dime. The game is over, winner declared, life moves on.
Recently, however, the finality of sporting events has been called into question because of drugs. If Landis' test remains positive, did he win the Tour de France? Who should the casino pay, the person that bet on Landis or the person that backed Pereiro?
From a practical standpoint, unless the casinos adopt a waiting period before payment, they have to pay on Landis bets once he crosses the finish line. (Side note, delaying payment wouldn't be unprecedented. Horse and dog tracks all post unofficial results, which are confirmed a few minutes later. Here, it would just be a longer delay.) Pereiro ticket holders would get screwed, but no more than people who bet against the Giants when Bonds homers.
We can probably agree that once a casino has paid a bet it has no real chance of getting it back when new facts come to light. But what about people that try to collect after the new information is out? Can a casino ethically deny payment? Does it make a difference if the casino has decided to pay Pereiro tickets or not?
I think that the only people that like the scandal are bookies. Now they can argue both ways and not pay anybody.