I was thinking of a way I could provide an insightful and amusing preview of this year’s NBA Finals. After much thought, I finally decided that the best thing I could do would be to interview two of the biggest stars, Shaq and Dirk. Or at least, I could do a fake interview of these guys and see if we can’t get some good, fake insight. This will be a lot better if you imagine these guys’ voices when reading this. That alone should make you laugh a little. Okay, keep your fingers crossed, and let’s hope this goes well:
So, here we are live on the sunporch with two of the best in the business, Shaq and Dirk. Guys, thanks so much for taking the time to sit down with me.
Shaq: No problem WAD. I’m a huge fan. I really dug those articles about the Bachelor.
Dirk: Me too. I still can’t believe Travis didn’t pick Moana. She seemed like a real freak. Actually, she reminded me of this chick I met in a club in Berlin one time. She was dancing all up on me, and then…
WAD: Okay. Let me jump in there Dirk. Your publicist is in the corner having a seizure. So, let’s just talk some hoops.
Shaq: I went to Berlin once. I really dug it.
WAD: So, Shaq, let’s talk about this run the Heat are on. Three weeks ago, it looked like the Pistons were a lock to come out of the East, but you guys really put the wood to them in the Conference Finals. What was the key to winning that series.
Shaq: My little buddy D. Wade was awesome, but it was mainly about me. Ben Wallace couldn’t stop me. C'mon WAD, you knew that!
WAD: At what moment did you know that you had him? I mean, were you confident going into the Series, or did you gain confidence as time went on.
Shaq: WAD, how many times do I have to tell you? I’m the Diesel baby. I can’t be stopped. Can you dig it?
WAD: Yes, I can dig it. So, what about you Dirk? When did you know that the Suns were finished?
Dirk: Well, it was about 4 a.m. the morning of Game 6, and Steve Nash and I were sitting in a booth at Club One in Dallas. Then, I looked over at him and asked if he was up for one more shot. When he said “no”, I knew it was over. I knew he had nothing left. I mean, Steve never calls it quits before 5 a.m. Never.
WAD: Well, that makes sense. So Shaq, looking ahead to this Series, what do you think is the key to beating the Mavs? Will this series be decided by the stars, or will it come down to some of the role players like Josh Howard?
Shaq: WAD, haven’t you heard? I’m the baddest 34 year old on the planet. Can you…
WAD: Yes! Shaq, I can dig it. I can definitely dig it. Dirk, what do you think about that? Do you think the Mavs can stop the baddest 34 year old on the planet.
Dirk: Yes, I’ve got confidence in Dampier and our rotation of front line guys. Plus, I’m hoping Shaq joins us at the party I’ve got set up the night before Game 3 at Prime One Twelve. That should be enough to get us that one. I’ve also got a room reserved at Mansion in case things wind down too early at Prime. There is nothing like watching the sun come up over South Beach.
Shaq: I really dig Prime One Twelve. They have the best 22 oz. Porterhouse. After two of those, I'm usually set for the night.
WAD: Will Mark Cuban be at that party?
Dirk: Yea, do me a favor, don’t mention it to him. He’s a great owner and all, but things just get weird when he is around. All the chicks get a little creeped out.
WAD: Okay, I know I need to get you guys out of here, so I’ll wrap up with this: any predictions for the biggest sporting event of your lives?
Shaq: I’m taking the hardware back to Star Island baby.
Dirk: I think Germany will get out of it’s pool, but I just don’t think I can pick against Brazil, especially if Ronaldo's blisters get better.
WAD: Okay. But Dirk, I was talking about….uh…nevermind. One last thing Shaq. Any thing you want to say to Kobe?
Alright guys, it’s been an experience. Good luck to you both, and do your best to find time to play some basketball between the clubs. It should be a classic.
All kidding aside, I am really excited about this year’s Finals. In fact, I haven’t been this excited abut the NBA Finals since Jordan in ’98. My head tells me that the Mavs just have too many weapons and will just score too many points for the Heat. Logic seems to lead to the conclusion that Shaq won’t have the legs to keep up with the pace the Mavs should be able to set. But, that’s my head, and those of you that know me know that very rarely do I follow what my head tells me. And this is no different. I’m banking on Shaq basking in one last moment in the sun, and I’m taking the Heat in 6. So, you know what that means…put your life’s savings on the Mavs to sweep.
Finally, for those of you with the World Cup itch, fear not. Tomorrow, The WAD is going to be taken over by soccer for a day. Don’t worry though, I’m not dumb enough to pretend that I have the first damn clue about soccer, so I’ve called on the biggest soccer fan I know, Stats, to give you the run down on this year’s battle for what is, like it or not, the biggest prize in sports. It should be fun.