Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Last week, I made you all the wait until Friday for your weekly dose of Television Tuesday. Well, not to worry, no such delay is necessary this week. The two best shows on television are both building to an eruption. Well, at least we know “24” is building toward an eruption, and we sure as hell hope that “The Sopranos” is headed in that direction. The only way to find out where we are going is to ask the hard questions, so here we go:

“The Sopranos”

1. How big are Artie’s balls? They are either enormous, or he has a death wish. I don’t care how long he’s known Tony, or how close he thinks they are…doesn’t he realize he’s insulting a man that kills for a living? Tony’s had to make a lot of tough decisions in the past few years, but I wish he would make another one and kill Artie. He really bugs me.

2. Is there anything more humiliating than having your hand scorched in boiling marinara sauce? Maybe having your gorgeous young hostess scream that she and Bennie Fazio lay in bed laughing at you, but not much else I can think of.

3. Has there ever been a more unintentionally comedic character than Sir Ben Kingsley playing himself? His facial expressions of disbelief were outrageous, and the only thing funnier than him correcting Christopher when he called him “Sir Ben” was him declaring, “f**k”to his publicist when he saw that he was on the same flight with Christopher. High Comedy.

4. Do you think Phil Leotardo supports same sex marriage? Speaking of high comedy, Phil’s outburst about Vito was the epitome of unintentional comedy. It was clearly meant to be a serious moment, but if you made it through without laughing, you are a better man than me.

5. Did this episode have a point? I mean, we already knew that Artie was a pansy, Vito is a homosexual, and Christopher is coke head. Okay, well Christopher was on the wagon ,so I guess we learned that he is a relapsing coke head. Other than that, I don’t feel like we learned anything beneficial this week. In other words, we are no closer than we were to figuring out how this is all going to end. Patience friends…patience.


1. How do any of these people EVER doubt Jack Bauer? Okay, this isn’t fair, because I’ve asked this question something like ten times now, but it never ceases to amaze me. I just have to ask this, and then I promise I won’t bring it up again, but what was Secretary Heller thinking? What has Jack ever done to make him think it was a good idea not to follow his instructions? Let this be a lesson to everyone that if you don’t do as Jack says, you will die! Well, unless…

2. Is Secretary Heller dead? Call me nuts, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Sec Def’s car fell directly into the water without hitting the rocks and exploding. Don’t count him out just yet. I’ve got it at even money that he still plays a prominent role in bringing down Logan. If I’m wrong, however, let the record show that Secretary Heller died a Patriot. He manned up and did what had to be done for his country. I guess that resolves any lingering doubt...the Secretary is clearly a Republican.

3. What was the most absurd thing that happened this week? Well, there were a few. For example, the fact that Miles was right when he said all Chloe needed was a laptop to tap into CTU’s network is unbelievable. Also, Chloe nonchalantly saying “o.k.” when Jack asked her to back trace satellite imagery and download the live feed to his p.d.a. was a little startling. But, the most baffling thing in this episode has actually been one of the most baffling things in every episode of “24” since it came into our lives. In the words of my esteemed roommate, Hans, “do you find it weird that all these people always have their cell phones set to ring?” Yes Hans, I do find this very weird. You would think that vibrate might be the best option, but hey, who am I to question Jack Bauer?

4. Where is Aaron Pierce? Did he really get transferred back to D.C., or did Logan have him killed? If he’s dead, that little twit, Logan, better hope I don’t get my hands on him. He’s already taken David Palmer, Tony Almeida, Michelle Gessler, Edgar Stiles, and Rudy. Well, I’m actually okay with Rudy, but I’m drawing the line at Aaron Pierce!

5. Does Chloe have bigger balls than Artie Bucco? Admittedly, this is a little weird because Hans has already declared he would like to marry Chloe, but the question must be asked. If it’s not cajones that’s keeping her from getting up from that computer and leaving Jack on his own, then I just don’t know what it could be. All I do know is that no character in the history of television has ever done more with less than Chloe. She’s the Larry Bird of prime time television. She’s not attractive, she has a miserable personality, and she couldn’t be more boring if she was in a coma. In other words, she has no business being a star. Despite all that, however, you find yourself constantly rooting for her, she never ceases to amaze, and she always comes through in the clutch. And, yes, I just compared a television character to one of my boyhood heroes. It might be time to seek help or get a life.